“Boys Will be Boys” How we raise "Misogyny"

Introduction

“Boys will be boys.” A phrase we’ve heard countless times— at a parent-teacher meeting, at a playground, family gatherings, or mundane conversations: but what are we really tolerating? Your friend brought her sons over for a playdate; 2 hours later, several toys have been broken and the room is a mess. She casually chuckles, “you know how it is, boys will be boys.” Your daughter comes home from school hysterical, a group of boys catcalled and whistled at her while she walked home; after complaining to her principal, he coldly shrugs, “boys will be boys.”

Slowly, it starts to consume your life—a phrase effortlessly woven into our conversations, so easily making its way into our lives that we have allowed it to seep into society and normalize behaviours that should never be excused. But, when does the line between excusing childish behaviour and dismissing violence become dangerously blurred? Today, one in three women have experienced physical and/or sexual violence in their lifetime, typically by a current or former intimate partner (UN Women, 2025). An estimated 137 women and girls are killed everyday by somebody in their own family (Femicides in 2024: Global Estimates of Intimate Partner/Family Member Femicides, 2024). The evidence paints a daunting picture: girls and women continue to suffer in a society where violence is excused as “just the way boys are.”

When a Saying Becomes a Social Norm

To understand the gravity of  ‘boys will be boys’, we must analyze its origins and societal evolution. There is an ancient Roman Latin proverb ‘sunt pueri pueri, pueri puerilia tractant’, translating to ‘children are children and will do childish things’; however, the Romans were not singling out boys, though simply stating that children do childish things. It’s widely believed that ‘boys will be boys’ evolved from said Latin saying, although it was first cited in English from the 16th century. Today, the phrase expresses bad behaviour as an inevitable consequence of the male gender and a sexist phenomenon that endorses rough and reckless actions from boys. One of the first recorded uses of ‘boys will be boys’ is from the Federal Galaxy, a Vermont newspaper from 1799 (Martin, n.d.) which states: “When the building is burnt, the carelessness of boys is a ready standing excuse for the matters - and it is in vain to expect that any corrections or admonitions given to the schollar will preserve the buildings. Boys will be boys - and we have all been boys and recollect the thoughtlessness of our youth.” Following the notion that boys are naturally impulsive and careless, the writer is explaining that if boys accidentally burn down a building, people excuse it by claiming “boys will be boys.” 

From its oldest recorded uses, the expression genuinely dismisses irresponsibility and recklessness as a part of a boy's childhood. Even historically, we notice a trend of ‘boys will be boys’ in printed material and media skyrocket in the 2000s to 2010s (Martin, n.d.). However, the phrase raises a question: if it has existed for so long, why does it matter today?

The Artificial Construction of Toxic Masculinity 

The answer to this question lies not in the phrase itself, but in how societal norms shape what behaviours are acceptable through toxic masculinity, gender socialization, and harmful gender norms. Niobe Way, professor of developmental psychology at New York University challenges the harsh image of masculinity that society seems to accept. According to research and interviews with boys in the past three decades, Way understands that boys in early adolescence communicate a strong desire for emotionally intimate friendships, but, as they grow older, societal pressures result in them suppressing these feelings. Way suggests that this growing loss of connection, along with a culture embedded in toxic masculinity, leads to emotional isolation and contributes to increasing rates of anxiety, depression, loneliness, and even mass violence (Anderson, 2024). Way’s various research methods, such as longitudinal studies and cross-cultural comparisons reveal key findings related to modern masculinity—contrary to popular stereotypes, boys show significant emotional and relational intelligence from a young age. Moreover, the disconnection fostered by “boy” culture contributes to high levels of isolation and loneliness in men and boys, with many reporting feeling alienated in their relationships and experiencing mental health issues such as depression and anxiety (Ramya Ramadurai, 2024). 

It’s imperative to note that masculinity itself is not harmful; rather, the damaging social constructs that make up toxic masculinity are. Masculinity simply means a set of characteristics and behaviours that are associated with men and boys (UNGEI, 2024), typically socially constructed and differs depending on time and place. In no dictionary does it state that masculinity is defined by a man’s lack of emotion, or ability to suppress his feelings; however, the social norms today unfortunately push the narrative that boys and men should not form intimate friendships or develop strong emotions, as they are considered ‘feminine’ and ‘soft’; opposed to the toxic standard of masculinity boys are being taught. Toxic masculinity is defined as the way men are culturally and socially pressured to behave. Its three core components; toughness, anti-femininity, and power create a dangerous sociocultural phenomenon that contributes to patterns of sexism and gender-based violence (Foss, 2022). 

While these expectations undoubtedly harm boys and men, they also influence boys’ attitude with girls. When being rough and dominant is praised, emotional expression is discouraged, and aggressive behaviour is excused, violence towards women becomes subsequent. And, as a result, gender-based violence and harassment is overlooked and chalked up to ‘boys will be boys’.

The Pyramid of Violence: The Consequences of Excuses

Toxic masculinity and gender socialization do not exist in isolation—rather, they influence how people perceive, respond, and justify harmful behaviour. To fully understand the role of toxic masculinity and phrases such as ‘boys will be boys’ in the context of gender-based violence, we must analyze The Pyramid of Violence; a symbol of how violence can quickly grow. In The Pyramid of Violence, lower levels such as microagressions and biased attitudes are widely accepted by society. As the pyramid progresses upward, behaviours such as harassment, slapping and punching, and abuse are results of the lower levels, and are more frowned upon by society. At its peak, lie the most extreme forms of gender-based violence; rape and murder (Naezer, 2025). The core of The Pyramid of Violence is not to suggest that anyone engaging in lower-level behaviours will commit crimes; rather, it highlights how the widespread acceptance of everyday misogyny can create an environment in which more serious forms of violence are easily overlooked. Seemingly harmless saying, like ‘boys will be boys’ reinforce beliefs that contribute, or justify violence.

While The Pyramid of Violence may be theoretical, its relevance becomes evident in the context of real-world patterns of gender-based violence. According to Lancaster University, domestic abuse increases during England’s football tournaments. A dramatic surge of 38% in domestic abuse reports when England loses, and 26% increase when the team wins or ties (T, 2024). Football matches, typically surrounded by heightened emotions, alcohol consumption, and national pride, may act as triggers that escalate an already abusive relationship. A 2020 study, compiled by 10 years worth of crime data, found that of the 427,351 reported cases of domestic abuse, 26% were alcohol related (T, 2024). As previously mentioned, boys in adolescence are taught to suppress emotional vulnerability; however, we find that this manifests negatively during moments of intensified emotions, such as football tournaments. The Pyramid of Violence demonstrates how damaging gender norms, such as expectations of emotional suppression and normalization of aggression, can contribute to a society where increasingly severe forms of violence are more likely to occur. 

When Excuses Become Dangerous: The Silence Behind Violence

Picture a woman getting robbed in front of 10 people—in broad daylight with nobody interfering. Typically, this may sound absurd and unlikely: how did nobody intervene? However, it's more common than we think. The Bystander Effect is a prominent phenomenon in psychology, attributing that people are less likely to help somebody in distress when other people are present (Emeghara, 2023). A key idea of the phenomenon is the diffusion of responsibility—that bystanders split the responsibility to help by the number of people present, making each person feel less accountable. Today, harmful behaviour continues to go unchecked, situations that happen among crowds occur without intervention. Similarly, when people hear ‘boys will be boys’, they immediately assume ‘it's not a big deal’. When violent behaviour is repeatedly dismissed as ‘normal’, bystanders are less inclined to recognize the situation as requiring intervention. Over time, this culture of indifference allows abusive behaviours to persist, specifically within relationships where victims find less opportunities to seek help.

The consequences of this normalization become apparent in cases of intimate partner violence. Contrary to the popular belief that women are at most danger from strangers, research consistently suggests that the greatest danger is from those closest to them. According to The Femicide Census, research suggests that women are most likely to be killed by male partners, especially while trying to leave those relationships— and just 9% of the murders were committed by men they didn’t know (Helfand-Rogers, 2025). Of the 85,000 girls and girls and women who were murdered by men in 2023, a staggering 60% were killed by a man who was close to them. UN Women’s Deputy Executive Director, Nyaradzayi Gumbonzvanda, states that “we see the numbers in this report as the tip of the iceberg” (Helfand-Rogers, 2025). As a result of the stigma and fear behind reporting abusive cases, many go unreported; subsequently allowing perpetrators to face fewer consequences from their behaviours.

Counterargument: It’s Just a Saying 

Understandably, some may argue that ‘boys will be boys’ is nothing more than a harmless phrase—an innocent idiom. To many, the phrase means nothing but a silly way to describe a boy as energetic or immature. Indeed, the phrase was not created with the intention of belittling women or encouraging harmful behavior. However, the issue is not in the phrase itself, rather how ‘boys will be boys’ has consistently been used to excuse behaviour and avoid accountability.

What many fail to understand, is that when harmful actions are repeatedly dismissed as an innate part of masculinity, society begins to reinforce the idea that boys and men should not be held responsible for their actions. As humans, we give meaning to words; and, therefore, grant profundity to phrases and allow them to intertwine with our beliefs, cultures, and societies. When we create an environment in which violence is overlooked because of an assumption set to protect those that do wrong, prejudice becomes overlooked and violence gets dismissed. 

Solutions 

In an era of toxic masculinity and harmful gender norms, it's critical to challenge the stereotypical assumptions of being a male. As a society, we can slowly introduce healthy masculinity by avoiding phrases that enforce misogyny; and end the idea of  avoiding accountability as a male. Moreover, promoting healthy relationship skills that decrease an adolescent’s acceptance of traditional gender norms and educating parents on creating healthy, safe environments that prevent modeling violence to children can truly make an impact (American Psychological Association , 2023). Perhaps mostly, society must challenge the language it normalizes. Replacing phrases such as “boys will be boys” with expectations of accountability sends the message that harmful behaviours are neither inevitable nor acceptable.

The National Library of Medicine describes adolescence as “a dynamic period of brain development”, as the brain is undergoing profound changes in learning and decision making (Insel & Cohen, 2025). As a result, it is essential that adolescents be exposed to positive environments that integrate boys and girls into society in healthy ways. Likewise, institutions and governments must apply firm legislation that brings individuals to accountability and encourages stigma-free environments in which victims feel safe reporting abuse.

Finally, intervention programs should be implemented across schools, in order to explain what toxic masculinity is and how it manifests within school environments—including recognizing subtle behaviours or languages that may promote gender stereotypes. Educators should be equipped with effective strategies to address incidents of harassment, bullying, or any discrimination that arises from toxic masculinity norms in order to implement preventative methods and responsive action plans. By administering such programs, student reporting of gender-based bullying was expected to increase by 30%, while actually achieving an increase of reports by 45% (ed_eq-4.6jhffj5f, 2024). 

Conclusion 

Just as Rome was not built in a day, violence against women does not begin with a single act of abuse. Rather, it grows; from everyday excuses, stereotypes, and norms that teach society to tolerate the intolerable. “Boys will be boys” may appear to be nothing more than an innocent phrase, but when language consistently accepts and encourages harmful behaviour, it shapes an environment where accountability is weakened and violence becomes easier to ignore. At the end of the day, creating a safer society requires more than changing laws; it requires changing attitudes that have allowed violence to thrive in the first place. In a nutshell, harmful behaviours and misogynistic lack of accountability must come to a halt—and that begins with you.

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